5 AM Wednesday Morning

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I am never up at this hour. Why on earth am I awake now?

The simple answer is that I am hungry. I was so exhausted by the time it was time for bed that I didn't eat anything like I usually do. Also, the baby growing inside of me chose 4 AM as a good time to begin gymnastic exercise. And perhaps I am just overtired from pushing the double stroller full of kids around town yesterday.

It shouldn't have much of anything to do with how far behind/out of control I am feeling about Christmas preparations. No. I have spent the last hour thinking of all of the minute details that I want to accomplish on my day "without" kids, but this does not significantly reflect panic.

Some part of me wants to run away and hide. Hide from that part of myself that never stops planning. The part that is constantly thinking of all that needs to be done, could be done, might be nice to be done. If I am alone, I am rarely present. Instead I am somewhere in the future. Tomorrow, next week, a couple of months from now, whenever.

This is why I am late everywhere. This is why I get so irritated with my children who only understand "now". I really just want to be here. Not the future. How do I do this?

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